http://www.estiloskateboards.com/vintage-vision/
What do you think of my poem?
The Circle Of Separation
Big round eyes flutter blinking eyelids
I looked into Eve’s remembering
The signature works of better reflections
Smiles that bet dollars on dreams
Eve’s dilates my pupils reminding of
The vintage meter works of greater visions
Red lips fill out working a tongue by fantasy
From ashes she scintillates awakening
Did Friday night make her a crown of thorns?
this is a classic ‘tweener’ poem.
in places, you’re starting to develop an interesting ear for language, but the intent of the poem is purposefully obscure and that rarely makes for a good poem.
from what i can gather, the first two stanzas are meant to be elegiac in tone…the emphasis is on recollection, remembrance…so, in a sense…it’s very romantic.
the third stanza is by far the best and most interesting part…perhaps because it lacks the sentimentality of the earlier stanzas.
The biggest problem for me is the the imagery….’red lips’ — ‘dollars’ — ‘fantasy’ — ‘crown of thorns’ …i imagine it all playing out like an evanescence/paramore music video or something…
Ultimately, your writing is nice, but too confessional (boring) for my tastes. If I had to offer you one piece of advice…it would be to work on description…pick a very small, seemingly insignificant OBJECT…a rose, a window, a chair, a pen….and practice rendering its spatial features visible. Then move on to more difficult objects, like the human heart, perhaps….
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